Of Change and Brutal Self-Evaluation

The last few weeks have been challenging. And a little conflicted. My emotional guards are locked up good and tight.I’ve learned that there is steel in my general easy-going nature. Steel which is only revealed when lines are badly crossed. I don’t particularly like this.I’ve had to look at my responses and gauge if they’re appropriate given the circumstances or if they’re a reaction to things buried deep.It’s fair to say that I have my failings and flaws. I also have my limits that some have pushed.I’ve said it before that my absolute priority in life are my children and my relationship with them. What isn’t understood by most is the delicate balance being maintained. The difference between their lifestyle and acquired faith, and my lifestyle (and lost faith) means that it is only a matter of time before they come to the understanding that Dad is going to Hell. The time I have with them in a fortnight isn’t a lot, so I have to make the most of it to counter their developing belief systems and show them firsthand that they have alternatives.I feel I started to compromise this a little. Bit by bit. I was starting to fit them around my calendar instead of fitting my calendar around them. No more.Then there is my family world. Again, I’ve talked about this before. My connection to my adopted family is civil but not pervasive. I see my parents fortnightly for a few hours. And on special occasions. I see only one of my three siblings with any sort of regularity. For as long as I can remember the only personal information my family have is what I share with them and what is on Facebook. They don’t ask. They observe my happiness, and see how I’m doing with my kids. And that’s it. That is my interaction with them. We don’t often do family gatherings, dinners, BBQ’s etc. so details of our private lives, trials, successes, and new loves (that would be only in my case, as they’re all married and Christian) never come up in conversation.I was married into a family that was close. So close that I lost ‘me’. As long as I fit into their expectations, everything was smooth. But ultimately, blood is thicker than water and that tight-knit family grouping really was quite destructive. This experience makes me a little wary of close families. I’m simply not that comfortable around them, nor do I need to be ‘adopted into a normal family to see what it’s like’.I have blood family. In the UK. Who I don’t really know. I need to spend time connecting with them. This is important.Then there are my relationships with friends and intimates. Someone suggested that I let people in, usually in the last part of the year, simply to counter a fear of being alone over Christmas. I hadn’t considered this, but on reflection I don’t think this is the case.I rather suspect that the reality is that I don’t actually know what I want in terms of relationship. I had a long marriage (17+ years) so maybe I’m done with long term relationships? Perhaps. I do know that as my kids are central, I feel the need to fit relationships around them and their needs.It is conceivable that I may need to put that part of life on hold until they reach 18. Or they come to the conclusion on their own terms that Dad needs someone. Some would suggest that I need to do what’s right by me and that they’ll adjust. Again, perhaps. What I do know is that I up-ended their world once, and yes, I do feel a degree of guilt about that, so I'm reluctant to unsettle them again now that things are working well.So - here’s a work-list for the next months:- Be more open, drop the emotional guards. Be more vulnerable. Take more risks.- Be more hospitable. Have visitors. Learn to not isolate myself.- Be more proactive with my adopted and blood family. Reconnect.- Don’t let toxic people into my headspace and don’t speak ill of them.- Focus on all the positives in life and don’t give mind to the negatives.This shouldn’t be too hard, should it?Eek.- S