Of Family
Family is a weird, weird beast.I am always a little surprised when I encounter family groups that actually spend time with each other. And call each other regularly. And show an active interest in the lives of the members.Why?Because in my experience, this doesn’t happen.As you’re probably aware, if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, I’m adopted. So, I was brought in to a family group where there were two biological children, an 8 year gap, then me, then a younger (also adopted) sister.My parents generation stay in touch with each other. They’re spread around the North Island of New Zealand, but still call, visit and travel.My generation?Nope.The only contact I have with my older brother is a quarterly PDF newsletter, emailed to me (and many others). My older sister? Nope. Nothing. Despite planning a trip to NZ for months, she waited until she'd been in-country for two days before calling me to organise a coffee. Let's just tick that 'see my brother' box. I see my younger sister and family fairly regularly, but I have recently become aware of some childhood resentment that she has toward me, which isn't helpful.Look, I know this is common in families. But it makes no sense to me. Why not deal with it? Why drag it out when the family gets together? Why don’t my siblings and I stay in touch and make an effort? I recall that I used to call all my siblings on birthdays and special occasions, no matter where they were in the world. Then it occurred to me that no one reciprocated. So I stopped, to see if anyone would notice. Nope, no one did.The end result for me, is that I have a strong disinterest in things ‘Family’. This of course is not ideal. Would I be there for them if they needed? Absolutely. But do I want to voluntarily spend time in their company? Not so much.I’ve changed a lot in the last few years. In many ways I’m a lot more tolerant towards people and ideas and things that I haven’t always been supportive of. This is a good thing.However, I have also become more able to remove people from my life that don’t add anything - or are toxic to me. And sometimes Family gets really really close to that line.Family seems to get a “we can ignore you, run you down and show no interest in you, but you’re still family” card. And they’re going nowhere anytime soon.“you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family” is the quote. I don’t necessarily agree with this. “Blood is thicker than water” - yep. I’ve seen this first hand.So who’s my blood? The good people of Somerset, UK.I need to spend more time discovering my roots. I’m starting to feel a little displaced. As I get older, I seem to be getting a little more sensitive about ‘what constitutes family’.It’s tricky. I'm not complaining, but it's clearly something I need to work through. Sigh.If you have a close and supportive family, you are so fortunate. Embrace it. I envy you.- S