Of Commitment

I’m in a somewhat off-balance place right now.I’ve been challenged by a number of people in recent months, so I’m trying to define exactly what it is I am looking for in terms of ‘relationship’. After a lot of consideration (and yes, as you probably have figured out by now, I’m a total over-thinker) I’m just not entirely sure.At the end of last year, if you asked me, I would have answered “nothing serious”. There was a lot going on and I was in the throes of future-planning.I already have experienced one long-term relationship in my life. My marriage. 17 years. And I guess that from that experience, I’m a little gun-shy when it comes to thinking about the possibility of getting that involved with someone again.Over the years, I have been blessed with having strong, wonderful, remarkable women come into my life. Some have become close friends (and they are the most incredible friends one could ever have). A few I’ve dated. And sadly, some I’ve hurt.I have also learned some things about myself. For example, even if I’m in a “nothing serious, take each day as it comes” companionship type of relationship, I tend to become present and involved in it. I let things slide. Important things. Things like keeping my business accounts current. Things like allowing pre-existing important friendships to take a back seat.I know I’m distracted when my friends start to say “we don’t see you much any more”. As I write this, I can think of one particular group that I haven’t seen for six months. And I feel awful about it.I really don’t like letting people down.Another consideration of mine is that I have my kids and they are my absolute priority. I see them every Wednesday, and every second weekend. These are pretty much non-negotiable dates. I would be very reluctant to introduce them to a “special friend” at this point. I want to keep their lives as routine and stable as possible.I also have in the back of my mind that if anything happens to my Ex. I will need to step up and be Dad. My life would change dramatically in that eventuality. It would probably involve moving to Howick. *shudder*I’m also in the initial startup phase of a business. I do need to maintain focus. I do need to be able to meet people and network and mingle and work as required.Would someone want to be with me knowing that they’d have to be secondary to my kids at this stage of my life? Is that a reasonable expectation?Would someone want to be with me knowing that they’d be secondary to my work at this time? I don’t think that would be particularly fair on them.However that being said, the right person would not actually be secondary to my work. The right person would add so much to me and what I’m wanting to achieve. They would inspire and encourage and support and make me better. And I would in turn inspire and encourage and support them in their journey also.But how do you know who the right person is? Do you just dive in to see where something could go?I’ve been told that there is a lid for every pot. The wisdom of Phoebe suggests that my lobster is out there.So yes, I’m in a strange place. I’m a little conflicted. It would be nice to be able say definitively what I want. I know I made a resolution this year to be more open and vulnerable and take more risks. Perhaps I should.What do you think? I’d be interested in your thoughts.- S