Of The Grieving Process
Over the course of my life I have had to grieve. Through burying two sets of grandparents, the breakdown of a marriage, and more. These occasions have similarities and differences.This is the Christchurch Earthquake edition.I have been able to observe and understand how I’ve been affected by the events of February 22nd and have been able to reflect on how I reacted and responded. It’s been curious.The Kübler-Ross model describes five discrete stages of grief. These are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.I went through these stages really quickly. I had to. I lost two friends in Christchurch, but they weren’t directly related to my current day-to-day world. I was impacted by their loss but life does and must move forward.I remember arriving in the office on the Wednesday. A colleague looked at me and asked “why so sombre?”. I explained “I think I’ve lost some friends in Christchurch”. I was a little shell-shocked that morning - in Denial and wanting to hear good news. His response was a little unexpected: “that was careless of you”.WTF??And then a little later on he said something along the lines of “They can’t have been very good friends of yours since you don’t talk about them all the time.”WTF??This moved me into the beginnings of the Anger...Anger was an interesting stage. I was furious at the total insensitivity of my colleague. I became outraged at the Agenda-pushing of some Church Leaders. (actually, I still am. I am hugely disappointed at aspects of the Christian response.). Personally I don’t think trying to find a spiritual ‘reason’ that the earthquake occurred is helpful. “God is weeping”? Really? (Perhaps a topic for another post!).I didn’t Bargain. I knew they weren’t coming back.Depression? Not so much but I cried for the dead and injured in private. I felt an enormous sense of loss and regret.And then Acceptance.This was and is an uplifting stage. I was able to focus on the character of those I lost. One in particular was filthy. He was rude and irreverent and a source of much of the foul and humourous emails doing the rounds online.Knowing him, he would be appalled if I wallowed in grief and allowed my work and joy of life to be halted. So in his memory, I laughed again.I have been entertained by the emergence of earthquake humour. Humour initiated by those living in Christchurch.Show Us Your Longdrop - brilliant!Then out came the Twitter-based #eqnzpickuplines meme (earthquake pickup lines) - “I can make the earth move for you”, and “I have no problem with poor personal hygiene”.My favourite? “Are you sure you’re from Christchurch? You have no faults!” - I’ve attributed this to @vaughndavisHumour is an important way to alleviate stress and grief. 9/11? The Boxing Day Tsunami? The Challenger explosion? All tragic and all stimulated humour to cope.Now, there are some for whom the process is ongoing. I empathise with them. But this pain will come to an end.There are some who manufacture grief, wanting to be a part of something that really isn’t directly impacting them. Wanting to feel something. This is also a grieving process for them.On a personal note, I have learned some lessons through this.I need to make sure that I express how I feel about people in my life when they’re alive. I have amazing kids that I love. I work with genius designers. I work and interact with absolute gems of people - smart, creative, caring.I have remarkable friends. People who know, without my asking, what I need, and who are there for me unconditionally.I am grateful for my health, my happiness, my home.I have a lot.- Simon