Of People Watching

One of my favourite things to do is watch people. I love to watch how they interact. I love to read their body language. Try to figure out their stories. This comes from being in sales. I love sitting with female colleagues from different professions to see if we perceive things differently. I’m always looking to improve!There are vast differences between men and women.I’m going to use terms like ‘hotter’ and ‘prettier’ and I’ll let you decide what that means. They’re more based on societal values than my personal judgements. Just so you know.When men meet in a bar setting, there is very little apparent judgement. There is very little apparent deference to ‘leaders’. There isn’t a lot of physical comparison. Or opinions on clothing and style.In NZ (I may be wrong, but I don’t think I am) men are considered ‘hot’ physically, if they are 5’10 or taller, good jawline, toned, strong, etc. (I am a long way from this of course, so I never compete on the physical, relying instead on my winning personality and smile!).Now, add an attractive woman to this group of guys and the men don’t tend to defer, letting the ‘hottest’ one to make the move. It’s all on. They’re equals. And in some cases, the ‘hot’ ones help the ‘less hot’ ones with their quest!Here are some observations from my watching of groups.Women who consider each other equals (physically, success, etc.) talk well. They have amazingly good eye contact, use lots of gestures, use mirroring (they reflect the gestures) and finish each others sentences.However, when you introduce a new woman into this mix, things change.If the new woman is new or unknown to some in the group, there is usually a period of stiffer body language. The women are more guarded and there is less conversation. I’m picking that this is a ‘threat analysis’ stage. Once no threat is perceived the new woman is treated like the oldest, best friend and is completely accepted. However, if the new woman is perceived to be ‘prettier’ or more successful (through no fault of her own), she is a threat and is therefore treated icily and not talked to by the others. (I’ve seen this and had it confirmed by a female friend).I’ve also seen a group of four women (all attractive by society’s standards) happily being equals. A fifth arrived. Arguably she was more attractive, more confident and more successful than the others. Immediately, the entire group deferred to her. Wanting her validation. Giving her all the attention. She didn’t ask for it and wasn't actually aware of it occurring.Another interesting group is the couple. Add a more attractive woman to the pair, you can see the female of the couple get quite defensive or protective. The guy is usually completely oblivious. This doesn’t occur if the couple are tight - but any insecurities or trust issues within the relationship are broadcast clearly.One of the funniest things I have seen was a group of friends (couples, singles, male and female) who’d clearly dragged another guy out for the night. He did not want to be there (my guess was that he’d recently ended a relationship and his friends had decided it was time for him to get back in the saddle!). His body language was defeated, disinterested and suffering. Anyway, there was a woman present who’d obviously been primed and was a little (well, a lot) drunk. She was aggressively predatorial and very interested in Mr. newly-single man. He went into flight mode. Hilarious.Of course, if people (men and women) are self-assured and know and accept who they are, these observations don’t apply. Confident people do not change their behaviour around others.It got me thinking.Why do we need so much validation from others? Why do we consider ourselves lesser than others? At what point in our lives do we learn what constitutes ‘hot’ or ‘pretty’ or ‘better’? And recognising that conditioning, why is it then so hard to break it? We may consciously be confident but there is that sub-conscious frightened and insecure teenager dwelling within that pops up from time to time, usually just when they’re not needed.I know that this is something I’ve been working on personally.I’m getting there.Thoughts?- Simon