Of Religion

Wow, this post has been a long time in development. It has been bubbling away and it is finally time for it to come out. This is in no way a judgement of the beliefs held by others. It is simply my story.I was born to two parents who gave me up for adoption. A wonderful couple took me as their own. They were God-fearing Baptists who loved me, nurtured me and included me in their world. I was brought up attending church twice on Sunday. Attending church prayer meetings during the week. There were band practices, playing at services, attending youth group activities.As I got older I moved into leadership roles. Encouraging, teaching and instilling the Belief System that I was a part of into the psyches of those younger than I.I was well aware of other religions. I was well aware of cults. I was well aware of the idea that ours was the only path to salvation and an eternity in Heaven with God when we died.And then something changed.I started to see how good people were being manipulated. How good people were taken advantage of. How good people who were struggling in life felt forced to wear a ‘mask’ when they went to church on Sunday, not being able to be entirely honest about the issues they were facing alone. How good people were being judged for their behaviour by others not meeting their own exacting standards.I became disgusted at the power-trips that some people went on. Where they would treat people disrespectfully. Good people that simply wanted to volunteer their skills and time and contribute to a greater whole.I saw the rise of slick marketing organisations. Organisations that peddle faith under the guise of being a Charity. Organisations that put ever-increasing financial pressure on their members by buying or building magnificent edifices.I became sickened at the misuse of scripture to support the ideas preached from the pulpit. People would feel obliged to give (on the understanding that if they did, God would bless them with much more), yet not be able to fill their car with fuel. I despaired at the incorrect emphasis of man having authority over woman after marriage.I remember one service clearly, where a visiting speaker asked “all those struggling financially” to come forward for prayer. Many went forward. He then prayed in a loud, enthusiastic, ‘Holy-Spirit-come-forth’ manner and declared “I believe the key to your prosperity is to sow into this house.” In other words, he told people that simply spent more than they earned, to give more. Whatever happened to integrity? Caring for each other? What should have happened is that these people should have been ushered out to sit with business people or coaches who could teach them to budget properly.There are so many similar anecdotes I could share.I got sickened at how people could be bullies and unethical in the workplace, be controlling and manipulative with their families, and yet be joyous and upbeat and bask in the adoration of fellow churchgoers on a Sunday. It was false.The more I observed the behaviour of church leaders in this country and others, the more revulsion I started to feel. I became ashamed to call myself ‘Christian’. Which really isn’t a good place to be.So I stopped going to church.This of course caused a fair amount of arguing on the home front. But I simply couldn’t go. My (now -ex) wife would yell, stomp, and then take the kids to church. She could not understand why I would no longer be a part of a system that was essentially (in my view) corrupt.I had been very high profile in our church for the best part of ten years. When I left my wife, I had to turn my back on a lifetime of conditioning and expectation. I lost probably 70% of my entire ‘friend-base’. My phone stopped ringing. People that I’d see every week, not only on Sundays, no longer kept in contact. No longer wanted coffees with me.The one thing that probably bothered me more than anything else, was that despite my profile, I had absolutely no contact from someone in a leadership or pastoral role. No one called me to say “look, you’ve made your decision, but if you ever need to talk, we’re here”.I found out 18 months later that the senior pastor of that church had explicitly forbidden the pastoral staff from contacting me. Sheer hypocrisy.So.My pendulum has swung a long way. Today, I have nothing but contempt and revulsion for the Christian church. Sure, there are some good Christian people that are my friends and have been hugely supportive, but I have disdain for the institution. Disdain for the system.Do I still have a Faith? I’d like to think so, but I’m not entirely sure any more. I imagine that in time my pendulum will return to a place of equilibrium, but that time is not now.Am I bitter? No. I really have found me. I have found what is important to me. I have found my core values. It’s been an extraordinarily difficult and often painful process that is near its end. I am a better person for it.- Simon