Of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
This one has been hard to write but it needed to be written as part of my story.Christmas Eve started innocently enough. Our office was not yet closed up so it was a work day.The 24th represented the last day I had to deal with the workplace conflict of 2010 and it was also the last day of work for one of my colleagues.After shutting the office doors I found myself home at 1:30 in the afternoon staring at walls and feeling a little disconnected. A little off balance. A little flat. I did manage to spend a few hours in the early evening with some of my dearest friends which was amazingly good and distracted me somewhat.Then it all started to get a little weird.I was home by 8pm. And started to feel an incredible sense of loss, isolation and vulnerability.It occurred to me that whatever inner strength that had kept me smiling in the mornings at the office this year had gone. I was completely and utterly drained. I realised just how much I was going to miss my colleague. I realised how much I was missing someone I’ve begun to get close to. I realised how much I have irrevocably changed my kids lives through my actions. And started that whole cycle of self-loathing again. I was in a dark place.Then I cried.Now, I haven’t cried for years. But everything just came out. Everything that I had kept bottled up and compartmentalised. The pain of many years.In that moment of absolute despair something wonderful happened. I am absolutely overwhelmed by the love and care and empathy and compassion that came my way through my Twitter community.I received many messages of love and support. Offers of conversation. Offers of hospitality. I realise that I am truly blessed.As I was heading to bed I received a text message from my colleague as he was about to board his flight. “Simon, have a wonderful Christmas. I’ve been promised Mile High Club tonight.”That Txt put everything into perspective. Life is meant to be embraced! I really do hope he got in! (so to speak!)So Christmas Eve for me was a purging. A cleansing. And a letting go.I now have great expectations for 2011.Then on to Christmas Day. A complete change.I picked up the kids from their Mums at around 10am. It was great to see how excited and happy they were. I brought them back to my apartment for our gift-giving. I then prepared the Christmas Ham (Gordon Ramsay’s Honey Glaze recipe) to take across to my sisters’ place for our family Christmas dinner. Success! And a good time was had by all!
It was cool being surrounded by family and so great to see my kids playing and having fun with their cousins.The highlight of the day for me was receiving a call from the person I would have enjoyed sharing the day with but couldn’t. It was the right thing on the right day.It was very much a weekend of two halves. Both days important in their own right. I have learned that it is necessary for me to experience the lows in life and to learn to overcome them. Painful yes, but really these are growing pains. They will make me a better person.I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas time with those close to you.I now go to lose my Man-Card and watch Sex and the City. Don't judge me.- Simon